Connections

Connecting with other people is important - even for introverts like me

I was invited to join a journaling group by my new friend Mark McNease, whom I met on Bluesky, with this month’s theme being “Connections.” With all the chaos in the country right now, thinking about how we connect with one another seems like a great topic to think and write about.

Photo by Cedric Fauntleroy

I tend to think of my life as a series of vignettes, starting with the first five years when we are all taking in the world around us and learning to process all the stimuli that fly and flow around us, and then all the periods of time between then and now, as we continue to process different stimuli with stronger neurons and heightened senses.

In those first years, our human-to-human connections revolve around our parents (or parent, in some cases) and siblings, as well as extended family like grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Some people live in the same place as all of those family members, so those people are around us all the time. Others, like me, see those extended family members on holidays or vacations. They are the first people with whom we make connections, and those relationships tend to last our entire lives.

As we get older, our connections with others extend to school friends, first in elementary school, and later on high school and sometimes college. Connections in school can revolve around activities like sports, music, or clubs. In college, some might join a fraternity or sorority to establish a brotherhood or sisterhood with others. How long-lasting those relationships might be usually depends on how much effort we put into maintaining the relationship when regular contact ends.

One of my closest friends I first met in the fourth grade. Sonja was the first black student in my elementary school, and her family joined the church where my dad was the pastor. Sonja and I bonded and spent many after-schools hanging out are her house, which was right across the street. Although we moved away two years later, Sonja and I stayed in touch as penpals. When she wrote me in our senior year that she was going to the same college I had chosen, I was thrilled to be able to reconnect. During our first three college years together, we were practically joined at the hip.

Our friendship suffered our senior year when I came out. Sonja had a very difficult time with my being gay, which severed the bond that we had shared. Granted, it was the fall of 1978 and times were different then. Other friends, including my former roommate Clinch, kept their distance that year. The one thing that kept us in contact at all was being in the stage productions. Sonja and I even collaborated on our joint senior project, a production of Anything Goes that I directed and Sonja was the music director. But spending time together outside of class stopped happening.

About twelve years later, I got a call from Sonja and Clinch. We hadn’t had any contact in that time. The reason for the call was so that they could apologize for the rift in our friendship in college. They told me that they realized years later that I was preparing them to accept their gay brothers. Our connections were restored, and they are again two of my closest and dearest friends, and logical family. We still stay in touch regularly and see each other as often as we can.

More recently, I’ve made many connections because I was diagnosed with prostate cancer in June. I joined a number of Facebook groups for men dealing with this diagnosis. Through these groups - some specifically for gay men and some for everyone, I gained a lot of insights into treatment options and made some amazing connections with others who have faced this challenge. I don’t know if these new friendships will last through time, but the moments that we are sharing now are incredibly meaningful and enriching.

As I write this, we are wrapping up a week’s vacation in Las Vegas with our friends Steve and Wendy Casey. Steve Casey and my husband have known each other for 48 years. Their friendship started when they were working together and has endured for nearly half a century.

I know there are some gay people who no longer have relationships with their biological families. A friend of mine recently severed her relationship with her parents because their oppression of her and her wife had become toxic. I’m grateful that I still have a good relationship with my mom, and we video-chat a couple times a week to stay in touch now that we no longer live nearby. My dad and I had a strong bond until the day he died. My relationships with my two sisters and their husbands are also strong and thriving as well. It takes work and helps when effort is made on both sides. We all do our best to keep the connections alive.

As people age, loneliness and social isolation can take hold, causing physical and emotional health complications. We are finding ways to avoid those problems through local avenues that provide fellowship. We are both active in leadership positions at our church. Our small city recently launched a pride organization with plans for an annual festival and monthly activities allowing different age groups to interact. I’ve also connected with people through a genealogy group that meets at our local library every month.

Not every connection needs to be deep or long-lasting. Some can be fleeting while still helping me get over a slump when I’m feeling down. Others may show a strong spark, demonstrating good potential for a true friendship, only to flame out quickly. The ones that last should be cherished and nurtured every day. As Emerson wrote, “The only way to have a friend is to be one.” While my introvert side sometimes makes it difficult to build a relationship, my life is better because of my connections with others.

Do you make friends easily? How do your relationships make your life better? The comments are open to all.